There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
