Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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