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can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
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