if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams