Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
