tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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