I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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