2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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