they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
