I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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