I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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