Texts From Last Night

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  (631): View more from New York

  By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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  (631): By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made. http://tfl.nu/sjsx
  Replies (56) Good night (4203) Bad night (616)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

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  (503): My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it. http://tfl.nu/89xj
  Replies (40) Good night (5425) Bad night (3664)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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  (604): You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/i4e8
  Replies (15) Good night (4966) Bad night (1207)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  not a thing

  (613): View more from Ontario

  walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

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  (613): do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom? (1-613): not a thing (613): walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom http://tfl.nu/euwx
  Replies (19) Good night (988) Bad night (5204)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
  Replies (62) Good night (7522) Bad night (882)
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  (949): View more from California

  I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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  (949): I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/xcpk
  Replies (46) Good night (1243) Bad night (9766)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner

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  (413): also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner http://tfl.nu/h4oj
  Replies (4) Good night (2242) Bad night (1080)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.

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  (907): If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever. http://tfl.nu/sogf
  Replies (29) Good night (1305) Bad night (3957)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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  (641): I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women. (515): That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage. http://tfl.nu/mozw
  Replies (5) Good night (2386) Bad night (1006)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

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  (206): he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents http://tfl.nu/f104
  Replies (48) Good night (1234) Bad night (3311)
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover

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  (478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover http://tfl.nu/1qw9
  Replies (1) Good night (757) Bad night (1024)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....

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  (630): It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so.... http://tfl.nu/umr8
  Replies (4) Good night (614) Bad night (1178)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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  (204): I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot (1-204): I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship http://tfl.nu/q28b
  Replies (2) Good night (1450) Bad night (661)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

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  (901): I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off. http://tfl.nu/oaek
  Replies (6) Good night (1438) Bad night (550)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope I went the fuck home like an adult

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  (717): Nope I went the fuck home like an adult http://tfl.nu/d43f
  Replies (1) Good night (821) Bad night (302)

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