she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.