): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.