We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have aggressive nipples.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it