I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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