mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
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Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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