I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
