I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
