Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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