I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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