So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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