this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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