put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i think i just lost a toe
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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