now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
