You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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