You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
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