You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
