i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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