So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
