i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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