The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So many bounce houses so little time
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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