God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
