Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.