I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
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Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.