Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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