I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
