My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
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