i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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