A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.