Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.