sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice