I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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