ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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