But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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