$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize