Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
