he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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