don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
