***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"