My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.