If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin