Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
