I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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