i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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