also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
