Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches